Why am I crying?!

Goddamit.

F___ it.

I need to let it out.

I was only 10min into cross-country skiing on the lake and I was having a “moment.”

The tears weren’t because I was out on my first solo outing and missing Alicia who was at home with her dad. They came from the realization of how long it had been since he and I had been out here together:

When we started dating, we had gone on beautiful walks on days like these.

During our break-up, we had come here to talk things out before going without speaking for three months and life bringing us back together.

While he was working in France last year, I’d ski or snowshoe on this frozen lake as Alicia grew in my belly.

I was missing him. Missing “us” and hoping we would come back on the lake together soon.

Within a minute or so though, my tears stopped and I was stoked to be out there on my own.  I started warming up, taking off my puffy jacket and tying it around my waist before continuing straight ahead. Cool air against my face. Bright sun overhead.

I had even left Bali at home.

Momma was doing something for herself, all by herself.

For the most part it felt good. For the rest of it, it either didn’t feel like much or felt like too much.

REAL “ME” TIME

I had woken up that morning eager for some real “me” time. It wasn’t the first time I was heading out on my own or doing something for myself, however, it was different.

Real “me” time meant that I was;

1. Going to do something that wasn’t for the household. As in, I wasn’t going to run an errand or do the groceries.
2. Taking longer than 20min and wasn’t going to rush back.
3. No one was waiting for me in the car with Alicia as I did what I had to do.
4. Doing whatever felt good, to and for me.
5. Leaving everyone at home; baby, daddy, stepson, and dog. No one but me was welcome on this outing.
6. Letting daddy deal with it.

This was a long time coming. I felt embarrassed that it took this long for me to put my foot down and not only say that I needed to do something for myself, but actually do it. Then again, no mother should feel embarrassed for how long or quickly it takes her to do anything. Your timing is your timing. And this was mine.

7 MONTHS IN THE MAKING

I felt the pressing need to put myself first hit me like a truck mid-December.  December 16th, Alicia’s 7 month birthday, to be exact.

Since Alicia’s birth things had gone smoothly most of the time. I was managing new motherhood during a global pandemic, taking care of my stepson every other week while my partner built a new business, and making sure our house felt like a home. In other words, creating life, being a milk ninja day and night, 2nd grade teacher, high-end nanny, master chef, and do-er of a countless little things while keeping a smile on her face 90% of the time.

Lately, things had started feeling like too much. My partner’s long work days had started taking a toll on both of us. I was grateful for everything he was doing for us, but increasingly resentful that he could book a weekly haircut appointment without having to think of the logistics that go with managing one’s day as a mom. Even before being a mom, asking for help or support wasn’t my jam. So Miss Independent over here has some serious growing up to do.

I could;

1. Keep being resentful,
2. Blame it on COVID,
3. Do something about it.

It took a couple weeks of combining all options until I realized that the only productive one was to focus on the third.

A week before, I told Alex that I would take some time for myself. But I wasn’t clear or firm about when. As in, I hadn’t made it non-negotiable.

A few days prior, I started pumping extra milk. I have been giving Alicia breastmilk, from the breast, until she had her first bottle on December 22nd. Why? Because I chose to make breastfeeding a priority and agree with the World Health Organization’s guidelines, but mostly because it has felt like the right thing to do for us.

I had the intention of going the day before I went, but my partner made plans to go sliding with his son. Instead of getting annoyed, I took it that I hadn’t been clear enough with my intention.

I later made it clear that I was going the next day, after her morning nap. I also made a promise to myself that I would make it happen, whether I felt like it or not.

I woke up excited and determined.

As Alicia’s nap was coming to an end, I started thinking of everything that needed to be put in place for a smooth outing:

• Get cross-country skis out of the shed. Load into car.
• Fresh diaper and outfit change for Alicia.
• Get dressed. Lather sunscreen.
• Fill water bottle.
• Take out bottles for Alicia. One for water, which she mostly just likes to play with. The other, the emergency milk bottle in case Alex might need it.
• Take food cubes out of the freezer and place in view on top shelf of the fridge. Put a post-it on with instructions.
• Make sure diaper drawer is filled even though only 1 should be enough, but you can never be over prepared, can you?
• Give Alex a walk through so that he knows all the things.
• Nurse Alicia just before heading out in order to leave daddy with a happy and full baby.
• Do all of this as efficiently as possible in order to maximize amount of time I could head out knowing everyone would remain happy.
• Breathe.

“Where are you going?” Asked both Alex and my stepson.

I answered curtly as although they knew I was going cross-country skiing, I didn’t feel like giving more details. I was admittedly itching to get the F-O and my ego wanted to keep details to herself. But the momma in me also needed to give some deets just in case I went missing or something.

“You taking the dog?”

“No.” 

And off I went.

I hate to admit this, but although I left having made sure that everything was in place to go smoothly, part of me also wanted the boys to have to figure things out. I wanted to come home feeling needed and valued for what I do and I suppose that’s what all of this was really about.

It was a gorgeous day. Blue skies, temperature just below zero, and barely any wind.

Music was playing through my ear buds to get me into the groove—more accurately, an attempt to lower the anxious vibe and feelings I had flowing through me.

I skied to the spot on the lake where I could admire two boathouses that set my dreams on fire! I stood still as I took a moment to think about which direction to go:

Turn left toward the mini island?

Take a slight right toward the spot where I usually embark onto the lake?

Turn around and head home?

I thought about a lot of things before making a decision: the dreams Alex and I had together, the many times I had come on the lake while pregnant, how much Bali would have been happy if I had taken him along, how I wish I didn’t struggle with being a stepmom, how much I love them all and who I was before them and am outside of it all at the same time.

I chose to go to the mini island. I took off my skis, faced the sun, sat on my coat, and read a few pages from the book I had stuffed into my bag. I wanted to think about what I was creating. My goals for 2021. But I was mostly killing time and trying to see how long I could stay out for.

Part of me said not to do it, but I did. I sent a text to Alex with a picture of the boathouses and asked if everything was going alright. I put my skis back on and started gliding back at pretty much the same pace as I did while pregnant and I was ok with that. This wasn’t a cardio evaluation although it did give me a clear idea of my starting point.

Back on land, sipping a mocha, and 25min later, I got a reply. A photo of Alicia in her clam chair and “She’s still alive” below. I chuckled and took another sip. A little bigger than the last as it was time to wrap things up.

4min later: A photo of teary-eyed Alicia. Alex accidentally pinched her with the chair buckle.

“I’ll be home soon my loves” I replied, taking another sip.

7min later: A photo of the milk bottle.

Alex’s Hail Mary.

We were nearing the 2hour mark. I downed my mocha and headed home. I love being a mom, even the hard stuff, and I couldn’t wait to be reunited with my little clan.

As I had made my way back to my car, images from the polar bears and walrus mothers from the Arctic Tale documentary popped into my head. These mothers stood by their babies’ side for years before letting them venture on their own. 

I wonder, are we the only mammals who strive to be able to take an hour or so for ourselves?

Where does this need come from?

Do mothers in cultures that don’t put as much importance on independence feel the same need?

It felt nice to take a moment solo on the lake, but honestly, it doesn’t beat the million moments each day where I have the privilege of being there with my baby girl.

Perhaps what we need isn’t more solo time, but more time with others? This feels like the understatement of the year, doesn’t it?

Maybe a mom’s first solo outing feels like such a big deal because it is naturally unnatural for her to leave her baby?

Or for us to change the narrative society has created that feels like a pressure cooker for new moms?

I quickly took off my ski boots and made my way upstairs to find Alicia in her daddy’s arms waiting for me. We got cozy on the couch as she nursed to her heart’s content. This was the only place I really needed to be.

The next day, after my stepson went back to his mom’s, Alex and I went out on the lake with Alicia and Bali. As always, Bali had the most fun but Alicia was a close second!

I realize that what I need isn’t more solo time but rather a better understanding of what we, as a family, needs during this time. Love, patience (a whole lot of it), compassion, grace, and a deep letting go of how we wish it would be in lieu of unconditional acceptance for how things are.

What was your 1st solo outing like as a mom?

How do you take care of you?

How do you take care of each other?

Let me know in the comments!

Much love!