Mama beware: These 6 barriers might be why you’re struggling with self-care as a mom.

Its no secret that moms struggle with self-care. And before you look for ways to hack a system that is asking you to nurture without nurturing you back, beware of the hurdles that have been put in place to keep you stuck in your self-care rut.

When you know where the potholes are, you can:

• adjust course
• take a different route
• or create an entirely new one

I’m down for option 3, how about you?

There are countless issues that make self-care hard for moms and I wish that the following six were it. However, the following are a few that I have noticed fuck with my hea(d)rt.

Let’s get to it so that you can get back to honouring your sacred needs and be the badass mom that you are meant to be!

6 INSULTING, OUTRAGEOUS, OVERLOOKED, OUTDATED, & BACKWARD THINKING IDEAS THAT MAKE SELF-CARE HARD FOR THE MODERN-DAY MAMA.

Let’s start with my favourite lie:

01. TAKING A SHOWER IS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE WHEN YOU BECOME A MOM

Seriously? 

Ladies, are we really ok with having our brilliance insulted like this?

I’m surprised it took this long to lather soap all over this one, but here we go. 

Just for a minute, put aside the fact that most people in the world literally do not have access to clean (hot) water abundantly as we do in North America—even less bathing facilities filled with beauty products delivered to your door overnight—and consider this:

Taking a shower as a mom should not be considered a luxury. 

You’re a highly capable human being. You grew one inside of you and pushed it out of your vagina for Christ’s sake. 

Now if you take 30min showers and expect to do so every single day without skipping a beat, it might be time that you visit your friend who lives in an RV and learn how to efficiently wash your entire body within a couple minutes and survive. 

Also, is having your child with you in the shower really that annoying? If so, they can wait in the playpen for a few minutes.

You might also want to revisit how much of those beauty products you really need. (I’ve discovered the secret of washing your hair with baking soda and I am hooked!)

02. MOTHERHOOD IN THE AGE OF FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS / SOCIAL MEDIA

What gets to me about the shower conversation is that these said moms incapable of meeting basic hygienic standards live in the same world that also expects them to keep advancing their careers or feel lesser than as a stay-at-home mom, keep a pristine household, prepare 3-⭐️⭐️⭐️ meals, workout 3x/week, have sex just as often—if not more, go out for drinks with the girls looking fresh on Thursday, and have an endless sea of new ideas for Saturday’s date night with her baby daddy.

Oh, and also raise a conscious little human without losing her shit—or lose it and keep it between her, her anti-depressant prescribing physician, and HR department.

Forget prioritizing our instinct to honour our cycles, nurse our babies, rest, play, love unconditionally, understand their needs—and our own.

No. 

Society rather you post a photo minutes after giving birth, pumping, smiling, and holding your sweet nugget’s tiny little fingers with your perfect almond shaped manicure—and follow up with a selfie that screams “I had a baby but it doesn’t show, does it?” within a few weeks.

Ladies, we can change the game. We must. We can. And we will are.

03. THE JUGGLING IT ALL ISSUE

While modern day moms are expected to juggle it all, some important facts about juggling are overlooked:

• It’s hard. Really hard,
• Requires a shit ton of practice, focus, and perseverance,
• And an endless amount of dropping and picking up balls.

Don’t get me wrong, juggling is fun! Especially when you accept that you’ll be dropping balls, a lot. Based on my juggling skills, I’d say for every time I successfully juggle 3 balls, I drop them 10x as often.

Maybe we should add a juggling set to expectant mother’s registries? 

Or better yet, we can start resetting our expectations a little? (or a lot?)

04. WE DON’T LIVE IN VILLAGES

“It takes a village to raise a child.”

Do we even know what that means?

According to National Geographic, a village is a small settlement usually found in a rural setting. It is generally larger than a “hamlet” but smaller than a “town”. Some geographers specifically define a village as having between 500 and 2,500 inhabitants.

Aside from Shakespeare’s, this is the first I hear of another hamlet.

In all seriousness, how many people do you know live in a village? 

Or in multigenerational homes and/or in walking distance to their parents, aunts, and friends?

I know two. 

I’m lucky to be a 5-10min drive from both my parents and sister, but I know this isn’t the case for most people. And the truth of the matter is, on days when I’m struggling most, driving 5min feels impossible. Those are the days where I wish they were able to understand that I need support without having to ask or explain (see the #5 for more on this).  

But that’s not realistic—or maybe it is. I’ll have to chew on this one.

The thing is, we are more isolated than ever despite living in buildings with hundreds of other people and endless tools that are meant to make our lives easier. Throw in a pandemic that prevented us from hugging our loved ones for too long (we’re allowed to hug each other now, right?)

We need to modernize the “it takes a village” proverb. But most of us just need a hug.

This article sheds light on the issue if you want more!

05. THE INDEPENDENT WOMAN ISSUE

North American culture has succeeded at making us so independent that we have forgotten how to be interdependent.

Even if we did live in villages, we’ve been taught to buy our own shovels and drive to the grocery store for that one egg missing for the banana bread recipe instead of asking our neighbour—and offering them a slice.

We’ve made needing one another a sign of weakness instead of a beautiful fundamental human characteristic.

Just look at how quickly society wants our children to become independent and disregard our need for physical touch, connection, love, and compassion:

• Beautiful nurseries set the expectation that our newborns should have their own—separate—bedroom,
• Their cries marketed as a sign that they need to self-soothe,
• Co-sleeping is frowned upon, and on and on and on.

P.S. If you’re like me, you may need to unlearn and redefine what it means to be a strong independent woman and start asking for some help. May the force be with you!

06. BACKWARD THINKING

It’s no wonder moms have a hard time feeling as if their self-care practices are sufficient when going back to how things were before becoming a mom is emphasized and glorified.

We hear things like:

“Get your body back.”

“Go back to work.”

“Get your old life back.”

It’s a total mind fuck because it is simply not possible. 

Unless you own a time machine, you cannot get any part of who you were or how your life was before having a baby. The same way you cannot get the last minute of your life back. 

Your body is continuously evolving and ever-changing. So instead of thinking of getting your body back, whether you had or never will have a baby, think about loving yourself now and moving forward. 

And although you may go back to the job you had before becoming a mom, you won’t be the same in many ways. Fortunately, some employers get this. Most don’t (yet). 

As for your old life? Why would you want your old life back? You just created a new one. Or did you forget that you were a literal magician already?

Getting caught up in this backward thinking is often a result of having misconceptions about the realities of parenthood, resisting what is, and a way to avoid owning the power you have to create your life and be the change the world needs us to be.

Perhaps the whole self-care conversation is one big distraction keeping us from embracing the magic of being selfless for a while. 

God forbid we challenged society’s narcissistic ways and discovered that we feel most alive not from taking selfies while skydiving but from truly giving ourselves wholeheartedly to another. 

However, I’m still a self-indulgent massage loving, spa-date craving human who may own a selfie-stick one day, and so I’ve put together 42 self-care ideas for moms (that don’t suck) and hopefully make you laugh and inspire you to bridge the gap between taking care of yourself and each other.

Let’s reignite your creative spirit, get you back on your Unicorn, and move forward!

READ 42 SELF-CARE IDEAS FOR MOMS (THAT DON’T SUCK) NEXT!

You may also enjoy:

From Aspiring Mama To “Soon-To-Be”

Want To Become A Mom? Start With These 6 Principles

How To Deal When Hopelessness & Fear Creep In

Alicia’s Birth Story