What breastfeeding for 1,151 consecutive days has taught me…

Today is the first day since Alicia was born that we will go a FULL day without seeing one another.

This also means that it’s the first day since May 16th, 2020 that I will not breastfeed. What this also means is that I have breastfed for 1,151 consecutive days without fail.

Despite my intention to share this with you, I also realize that it is bringing up much more than I had initially thought. You see, this journey has been about so much more than breastfeeding. And it is these hidden gems that I want to capture and share with you today.

Breastfeeding for 1,151 has been about…

Raising Awareness For Women

North American society for the most part does not set women up to breastfeed successfully. The lack of awareness, acceptance, preparation, and education is one thing. But the lack of support, understanding, compassion, and patience is heartbreaking.

Women are expected to give birth and quickly “go back” to how life was before welcoming a child (this is insane.)

If only we supported her in easing into this massive shift and gave her the time and space to go at her and baby’s rhythm, I truly believe the world would be a better place.

If only we trusted in women’s incredible ability to do what is most important in its divine time, we could relax and stop putting pressure on women to split their energy and honour the season of life that she is in instead. She won’t go back to how things were, she will make everything around her better, just be patient. 

Taking a stand for what I believe in

No one pressured me to breastfeed but many frowned upon my decision to continue past a few months and/or breastfeed openly. I’ve felt judged and criticized either silently or directly and this has forced me to connect to my reasons for breastfeeding and check in with my desire to continue. Mostly, it taught me to stand up for myself which has overflowed in other areas of my life.

This thought has often helped: If people are allowed to eat ice cream in public which is literally breast milk from an animal that was most likely artificially inseminated against her will, I’m gonna breastfeed wherever I please until those who criticize realize that what makes them uncomfortable is actually how nature allowed our ancestors to survive before any other alternatives ever existed. I literally wouldn’t be alive today had a woman in my lineage not breastfed (and survived all the odds stacked against her). 

Showing up no matter what

There have been times that I couldn’t stand having Alicia latched on me yet something inside kept wanting me to show up—whether I was exhausted, going through an emotionally taxing time, or had other commitments. « I don’t feel like it » simply wasn’t an excuse that ever won.

I’ve often felt that I struggled with consistency, but what breastfeeding has taught me is that my view of consistency was often limited to professional aspirations wrapped up in pressure and the need for external achievements.

I’ve since expanded my view to see consistency over longer periods of time and for things that no one will ever know about. Mostly, what I’ve learned is:

Devotion is needed to be consistent (and enjoy it)

As I mentioned above, no one pressured me to breastfeed. I’ve always felt an internal calling to it, even before I had Alicia. It wasn’t something I had to fight with internally even if it wasn’t always easy. It felt, and continues to feel like the right thing to do (for us.)

That being said, this devotional practice made it easier in challenging times. I’ve had several colonoscopies without meds so that I could continue breastfeeding, I fought for my daughter during our custody process so that I’d be able to see her every single day (up until today), and I’ve managed my work schedule to make it work because pumping isn’t my thing. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been worth it…to me.

A new appreciation for my body and all females, human or mammal.

Our bodies are truly extraordinary! I don’t see my breasts as sexual objects despite thinking that they are sexy. They cannot be objectified, or at least they shouldn’t be. My breasts have been a conduit for love, nourishment, connection, warmth, comfort, and healing. Think about that next time you see a woman. Her breasts are so much more than what society tends to focus on.

Grief

Bet you weren’t expecting this one were you? I still feel called to have more children and I’ve also delegated this to a higher power. But when Alicia’s dad and I were in the thick of separating, I grieved our past, current, and future life. I grieved the possibility of having a united family and welcoming more children into this world.

I can’t speak to how my breastfeeding journey with Alicia would have gone had I had more babies now as expected. But I will say, that part of my willingness to let my toddler continue to breastfeed is influenced by the fact that it’s only her and I don’t know what the future holds.

Surrender and acceptance

There are many times when I feel that I’ve simply had to surrender in order to keep going. If Alicia willingly stopped breastfeeding tomorrow, I’d be fine with it. My commitment has been to continue as long as it is working for both of us. I still see how much she benefits and I surrender.

When her dad asked if he could take her for a few nights this week, I surrendered. I accepted that we are there in our co-parenting journey and that it’s time.

The need for healing & safe space

I often feel nervous sharing openly about my journey as I see how triggering it can be for others who have not, will not, or cannot breastfeed. My intention has never been to shame yet I have seen that in sharing my experience, others have felt pain. We hold deep wounds around being and becoming mothers, how we were mothered, and deeper wounds passed down through our motherline. Breastfeeding in part has shown me how much we need safe spaces to connect to our inner Mother and heal.

This has influenced my work. Be it in Aspiring Mama or the Matriarch program. The Motherly essence is alive and will continue to grow moving forward. It is needed and I take the opportunity to create safe spaces for this to happen as a privilege and beautiful challenge.

Gratitude

At the end of the day, I feel immense gratitude for the incredible privilege of being Alicia’s mom and how beautiful the breastfeeding journey has been overall. From the first time she latched, to feeling like Barbie when my milk came in, forgetting my pads and leaking in public (on multiple occasions), to nipples sore it sent electric shocks through my entire body, to seeing how floppy my little boobs are now, I am grateful for it all.

So there you have it. A summary of little gems found in a 1,151-day journey. I don’t know how much longer we will continue, but I know that the days are counted. I’ll do my best to savour the little moments when Alicia is pointing at my breasts saying “milky” because one day it will be the last time.

With love & light,
Melissa

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