It still feels surreal at times.

With hands resting on my belly I’ll wonder: “Is there really a baby in there?”

At only 12 weeks in, my body hasn’t changed significantly enough for it to appear obvious. However, the sore breasts that wake me up as I turn at night or startle me when I hug someone, the nausea and vomiting that changed my daily routine for a few weeks, and—most of all—seeing the strawberry-sized being with a distinctive human-like shape and vibrant heartbeat on the ultrasound, make it real. I am, undoubtedly, pregnant. Can someone pinch me?

Ever since I was a little girl I dreamt that one day I’d be a mom. Not only did I love kids, I had a strong nurturing nature that led to being nicknamed “Mother Teresa” by my snowboarding crew in high school and “mom” by my roomies in university.

I was fascinated by the process of motherhood. So much so that I based my post-graduate studies on how family friendly the programs were. I didn’t want to pursue a 5 year doctorate in Clinical Psychology as the traditional system didn’t seem baby friendly enough to me. While visiting the campus in Trois-Rivières for their chiropractic program, I was captivated by the lecture given by a world-renowned midwife who spoke to us about birthing rituals in different cultures. I ended up choosing the osteopathy program in Montreal as babies were welcomed in the classroom—that, and it also met certain other criteria too.

Despite not completing the osteopathy degree—good thing, as here we are—one thing remains a critical component for my career path: create a career and lifestyle conducive for family life.

I’d tell friends about this criteria, however kept it mostly to myself as it was often met with comments such as:

“Don’t worry about children now. Focus on your career. The baby thing will work itself out.”

“Don’t think about that. You’ve got plenty of time.” Which by the time I was 25, and being encouraged by my doctors to focus on baby-making, felt like the worst thing to tell me.

I sometimes felt crazy. To the point I’d be in tears in my apartment at night. Yet I could never shake off how important motherhood was to me. This seemed to pose a problem on my dating life. The two relationships I had in my twenties were with kind guys who simply weren’t yet comfortable talking about a future with kids. Dating advice would tell me not to talk about my desire for having children—which I tried and always failed at. Why should I have to hide what not only felt most natural to me, but was also the reason we are all here?

Apart from those short relationships, I remained single. Dating casually whilst hoping a man who shared the same beliefs as me would sweep me off my feet. It took much longer than I thought it would, but was it ever worth it. More on him later…

It became apparent that women of my generation were strongly encouraged to succeed in their career and put off building strong romantic relationships and their desire to become mothers. I decided to secretly make choices that would allow me to fulfill these ambitious ways—and quite frankly, Type-A, perfectionist, performance-driven, “don’t wan’t to let anyone down” tendencies—while also connecting to my future kids and listening to their wisdom.

It took time, yet things started to shift.

Becoming a yoga teacher and opening a studio awakened both my desire to align to my true nature and entrepreneurial spirit. Leaving the studio confirmed that I didn’t want my next venture to come with a set of master keys, working from home—or anywhere in the world—felt like the next step.

Paying attention to my interests and what people thanked me for created the space for me to realize that Life Coaching had been waiting for me to roll in.

I dove in. The vision for my life appeared more easily than ever before. Create a lifestyle business, coach amazing humans, lead programs online, be location independent, and create a family seemed possible. Finding the wonderful man to do this with seemed a wee more challenging, yet I did find a few good images online to help me cultivate the belief and keep faith.

In my first year as a professional coach, I took a decision that changed everything: put my personal goals at the forefront and take my desire for love and family seriously. The idea was to leave the city, go live by the ocean, and find love along the way.

I sold most of my things. Packed my compact car. Drove from East to West. Travelled a bit. Then settled in the small surf town at the end of the road on Vancouver Island, Tofino. I surfed to my heart’s content which opened it up enough for it to tell me it was time to leave 7 months into it.

Pursuing this calling led to hearing my inner voice say that I needed to go home. Meaning, back to my hometown of Sainte-Agathe-des-Monts where I had sworn I’d never go back to after leaving at 17.

At 32, I moved back in with my parents—who are amazing—felt more single than ever, and confused about why the hell I let life bring me back here.

I continued with my old ways of dating casually until a friend called me out on my BS.

“You’re distracting yourself.” Referring to my behaviour with unavailable men.

On a walk with my father, he asked: “What are your top 3 goals?”

I could quickly think of the first two, yet blocked on the third.

“Perhaps because it’s the most challenging?” He said, sparking my memory to recall that my third was to create a divine relationship with my life partner.

These conversations, and my being fed up with what I had created, were game-changers.

It was time to become a different version of myself. The version I envisioned was in a beautiful relationship. Which meant, I needed to stop sabotaging my belief in this possibility and actually start acting like it was meant to be.

I worked with my mentor, an energy coach, and dedicated myself to the “Calling In the One” book program. I became a stand for divine partnerships all around me and cut out anything that didn’t align to this. I embraced my desire for motherhood, sharing it more openly than before, and coincidentally started coaching more mothers.

The biggest step in all this: falling in love with myself all over again.

We’ve all heard “you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.” Although I think this is only partly true, it was necessary in my process. In order to get rid of distractions, I needed to become deeply tuned in to my inner voice. To actually listen and to take actions based on what it had to say.

This is the voice that gives you tough love when you need it. Tells you to make choices that will be sustainable instead of offer the illusion of satisfaction. It encourages you to honour your path. To accept where you are in life, who and how you are, in order to start bridging the gap towards what’s next.

A few months into my process, I was snowshoeing on one of my favourite mountains when I heard this inner whisper, accompanied with a full-body response: “You won’t be single for much longer. Enjoy this time.”

I had told myself this before, yet it felt different as it was coming from a different place than my mind. I smiled and as I finished my climb, I thought of all the things I wanted to savour while I was single. These parts of me that I used to hide in relationships that now deepen my relationship with Alexandre.

Alexandre. The handsome Belgian that I, and most girls, had a huge crush on in high-school. I was 15, he was 18. For one summer I had the chance to spend hot days jumping in the lake with him and our friends, wishing he’d see me as something more. But it wasn’t the right time which at the time I considered was him being an idiot. I laugh about that now.

Well, two months after that message came to me on that mountain, I was in the park with my niece and nephew by my sister’s house. Alex’s mother was there with her dog. I hadn’t seen her in years and didn’t think she’d recognize me. But I suppose she remembered how much I liked Alex as she quickly told me he was single.

The 15 year old in me lit up. The 33 year old put up a protective shield.

Then he reached out and for a few more months I played it cool. Until timing finally aligned and he picked me up for an evening that would change everything.

I tried to not fall for him, afraid it was the 15 year old me all over again. But love does prevail.

Early on in our relationship, Alex brought up the subject of family and children. This was a first for me. A man talking openly about where they stand on the topic? I couldn’t believe it! He wanted to make sure we were on the same page. I was impressed and admittedly turned on.

We were living what seemed to be a fairy tale. So in love and inseparable. However, life led us to taking a break from the relationship. Or rather, a complete breakdown. It was extremely difficult for us both. But I knew, deep down, that if we were meant to be, that this would make us stronger.

I spent the three months we were apart working on myself. Learning and improving upon the elements of my character that hadn’t shown up powerfully for us. He did the same. And again, love prevailed. Bringing us back together, slowly but surely. Now this post isn’t about how we went about rebuilding our foundations, yet I am sure I’ll let you in on this soon enough.

Rebuild we did. The dedication and work was so worth it as our commitment to one another is like I’ve never experienced before. Having experienced what we both believed would be the worst thing possible, we have a renewed appreciation for what we have and are creating.

When the topic of family came up again, we were both on board. Knowing we wanted it sooner rather than later, it felt natural to start “trying”, or more specifically, “not being careful.” We thought it would take a while before we’d conceive. For one, he was leaving to go work abroad for a few months. And I had certain fears engrained in me about being a woman in her 30s trying to get pregnant.

Well, it didn’t take long.

Alex had left for work in France and I had decided to do a little cleanse: no alcohol for a while. Little did I know what great timing it was to do this!

A week or so later, I started having vivid dreams like never before. I’d wake up every morning with a clear picture of what I had dreamt of. Several with subliminal messages that led me to looking up why I might be having such dreams. I learnt that many women experience vivid dreams in pregnancy, something I had never heard of before. I started taking my cleanse more seriously yet needed more evidence.

I then started to get dizzy spells or shortness of breath doing things I do everyday: walking Bali, getting up, bending over, simply being. Dr Google again gave me confirmation this may be another clue.

It wasn’t until I was at my sister’s restaurant one night that I started to think the “I might be pregnant” may be for real. Standing at a table I felt a cramp different than any I’ve had before. It wasn’t menstrual nor was it digestive. Something inside of me was saying it was a sign of conception. I paused and tried to act normal but that moment marked me.

I was eagerly waiting for the day I’d hopefully miss my period. I’ve been tracking my cycle with the Flo app for a few years now and can typically predict the first day of my period accurately. The morning I saw that I was late, I knew I’d be headed to the pharmacy for a test.

But first, I looked up flights to France: “If I am pregnant, should I fly over there to tell Alex in person?”

I also grabbed from my bookshelf a blank journal I had bought a few weeks earlier. I dedicated it to our sweet child and started writing the first entry the morning of September 4th. I knew I was pregnant and felt inspired to connect to the banana-seed inside of me even before I took a test. I’ve been writing in this journal ever since to share updates and any messages I want my child to read about when they are older. It’s so fun!

Later that day, I peed on one of those infamous sticks. I immediately saw the two pink lines yet put the timer on and called my brother to distract myself. I took a peek while speaking to him which confirmed that those lines were definitely there. I couldn’t focus on the roof renovation he was telling me about and started feeling the emotion build up. Cutting him off quickly, I gathered myself and called Alex—still uncertain how to tell him!

After I told him about my day, without revealing our big news, he then started telling me about his. I burst into tears and interrupted him.

His reaction was better than I could have imagined. Thrilled, loving, and incredibly comforting, his energy set the tone for how I feel about this pregnancy.

There is no way I could have waited a minute longer to tell him.

In any case, he had a feeling. He’s intuitive like that.

Weeks later, here we are. Our baby is the size of a plum. I’ve been preparing our nest and I am now in France with my man for a few weeks. It’s been an amazing journey so far. Sure, the nausea was uncomfortable, but totally worth it (easy to say now that I’ve passed that part!).

I’ll be sharing the journey with you.

I’ve committed to enjoying this life creating process. To fully embrace my love for becoming a mom and in turn, give you permission to fully embrace whatever it is that you are being called to.

CONCEPTION is the special group coaching experience that is dedicated to you preparing yourself and preparing for that thing you can’t stop thinking about, the desire that at times feels impossible to create, to you aligning your life to its birthing in the world.

The program starts January 21st and you can find out more HERE.

And if you’re curious to find out more about pregnancy symptoms, food cravings, and other 1st trimester tidbits, you can watch this video!

Don’t let anyone or anything discourage you from creating the life you want. Feel crazy and do it anyway. Let your inner voice roar and whip you into shape when you need to get back on track. What you desire is there for a reason, love whatever lights you up.

Thanks for being here!

Till next time,

Melissa